41 Books of Minecraft Fanfiction later, and I am dead inside.

So. No introductions. Only business today. It's been a while but it's time. I have done a thing. I do things out of irony and I go too far. I only hurt myself and others in the process. I read 41 books of Minecraft Fanfiction over the past few weeks. Welcome to the Lounge. (WARNING: There are spoilers. But these aren’t really spoilers. Because you wouldn’t actually read 41 books of Minecraft Fanfiction) 

Now, I don't know much about Minecraft. Honestly I know little to nothing about Minecraft. It's a video game that involves building and like mining. My little brother plays it. There's servers I think. There's monsters. My ignorance might have propelled me further in the series but I'm still unsure as to why I did this to myself. But here we go.

Steve the Noob is a self proclaimed Minecraft lover in the Amazon Kindle store. Last Christmas I purchased a Kindle Unlimited subscription that allows me to get certain book titles for free and I only pay a monthly flat rate. I've read 100s of books since this purchase, and I even bought a Kindle tablet to read them easier. Honestly this is one of the best purchases I've had. I love it and I am glad I did it. However, I am not pleased with what I've done.

I cannot remember why I got the original "Diary of Steve the Noob" book. I think it was to torture my coworkers (sorry Nick and Josh!), but I'm not sure. I read through the first book very quickly (I read fast and can read multiple 100+ paged books per day, which I usually do).

Essentially the premise of the first book is that a man (Steve the Noob) appears suddenly in the world of Minecraft and travels through the land. It features jokes and gags, like Steve eating raw chicken and having to poo in a hole after getting food poisoning (that is a direct quote). As the book progressed, Steve discovered a town and moved in. The villagers explained that every night, monsters flood the town and cause harm (this includes zombies and skeletons with bows and arrows. I don't know much about this I've seriously only played Minecraft twice). Steve pledges to the mayor of the village to save them from the monsters and build a wall and protect them from the plague.

He starts doing this and is considered a hero. The villagers now can go out at night and they regard him as a hero. One night Steve gets knocked out and is unable to protect the village, and everyone perishes (minus one villager, who we don't know survives. He ends up being a villian later on the series, and swears to get revenge on Steve who is not a hero, but only a stupid Noob in his eyes). Steve lives and is plagued by survivors guilt, and travels on to find a new village to protect.

So. The story goes from Steve going poo into a hole to a village perishing and Steve being riddled by survivors guilt. Zero to 100 instantaneously. I was shocked. Perhaps that's what caused me to continue reading.

My original goal, that I developed by book 5, was to analyze Steve the Noob's writing development over time. The book was riddled with spelling errors, Grammar issues, and plot holes. I was going to do an analysis on this but then I read something that changed my mind.

Steve the Noob, who is the official author name on Amazon, is honestly doing a great thing. Children reading is a cause I care about, and from the 200+ reviews per book from kids posting from their parents accounts about how excited they are for what Steve is going to do next, Steve the Noob is really doing that. He posts the kids fanart at the end of the books, donates proceeds from people buying the books to charity. Ultimately, kids love these books. Besides, I'm a girl with a bachelor's degree in mechanical engineering (just graduated!!!) and although i read and write frequently, I am not a person who can judge.

I want to briefly emphasize the length of this series, because people I have spoken with claim that they are not even remotely real books. They are thought to be 15 page books entirely with pictures. While, there are pictures in these books, the series as a whole is 6,202 pages long, and has a total word count of 707,400 words. I am not kidding. I did the math on this. It took ten minutes to do but I honorably did it. Like the hero I am, similar to Steve the Noob.  

So as I got to book thirty, I had to change my lens. What can I actually write about this series? I need to write something. I have read countless books of Minecraft fanfiction. So many. I have to have something to say. I have come to a single conclusion

I hate Steve the Noob. With a burning passion.

I am not referring to the kind author who's doing his best, nor am I referring to the book series as a whole. I am completely referencing to the main character in the story. I hate him. I hate everything about him. He makes me mad. His actions in the story drive me insane. Aspects of his character traits make me seeth. There are other characters I adore in the series. There's a woman named Cindy. Due to Steve’s BLATANT STUPIDITY, he put Cindy in blatant danger and got her turned into a FREAKING ZOMBIE. Steve had a simple task, protect her, and he couldn’t even do that. As always, Steve came out with no injuries, but everyone else got completely harmed.

Steve then takes FOREVER to do the basic work to turn her back. He has to go to the exiled witch, who happens to be Cindy’s aunt, and Cindy’s aunt reasonably HATES HIM. Steve complains the whole time about having to do it, even though it was HIS FAULT for putting Cindy in danger. I’m getting heated at Panera. I can’t do it. I hate this child.

The next conclusion I’ve reached is that Steve represents the Seven Deadly Sins. Here’s a summary of how:

Sloth: This stupid idiot sleeps till noon every day despite being the Deputy Mayor (oh yeah. That’s a thing) and is like needed by everyone else. The mayor’s assistant has to come wake his sorry self up all the time.

Gluttony: Steve literally eats constantly like a monster. He filled his entire inventory with candy and then ate it in front of his friend who couldn’t eat anymore. Now, his friend can’t eat anymore because Steve brought him BACK FROM THE DEAD without GETTING CONSENT. This friend now has to live a hollow life being unable to eat and live normally and now has his soul in the body of an Iron Golem (This is a lot.)

Wrath: Steve is a bitter jerk who dedicates his life to screwing over other because he’s selfish and dumb. He attacks other armies like “YOU KILLED MY DOG” and everyone else is like okay neat our people are dying because of you but go off.

Envy: Everytime someone who’s better than him comes into the town (newsflash, there’s a LOT of people better than him) he hates them and thinks they’re cocky. They are NOT COCKY they just have actual skills.

Pride: Steve wallows and bathes in the constant praise he receives from others despite not deserving it at ALL.

Lust: He hated this girl Alex (who’s the only other human in game) because she has skills. But now, suddenly, gets super attracted to her red hair in the moonlight because he is a JERK.

Greed: He’s greedy in seeking emeralds, he’s greedy in seeking higher class upgrades, he’s greedy in eating all the pizza and croissants and candy this fat jerk can eat.

STEVE THE NOOB IS THE WORST

I recommend following me on Goodreads. I enjoy books a lot and read constantly, and I promise that I read stuff besides Steve the Noob. Like, I really promise. I read this incredible book on Harry S. Truman, and the pivotal role he played in the world during a simple four months. I read a book on the abuse a woman went through during her time in the Amish Community. I also read 41 books of Minecraft Fanfiction.

I could write a full book on this series. I could write so much. Maybe I will when the series is done (who knows when?). I just don’t know the lines between me being ironic and me going too far. I am in too deep.

Ultimately, I’m sorry you had to read this. I really am. But the world needs to know. Ugh. I need to do something better with my time. I graduated and have had a lot of free time before me and Matthew move to Texas next week, so I’ve been baking bread and cookies and relaxing and reading. That should be enough but I also find myself drowning in the Steve the Noob books.

This final semester of college was brutal but I finished! I had no free time but I do now! We have the move and then have to start setting up the house but then I don’t have work until the 24th so I promise this time this promise is not empty. I will write more. But I guess when you write nothing, more is anything. So maybe I can do the bare minimum.

I’m very happy with where I am in life, and I hope I can share the happiness with you through these dumb words. At least laugh at me and question my state of being for writing this mess.